Hello blog, it's me, Jane

Wow. I was just checking in on my main blog and completely forgot I had started this one too. Going through some of the old posts, and I'm quite appalled that I'm referring to my partner and father of my children as "hubster". Clearly THAT was a phase. What was I thinking??? Well, there's nothing much to add here since I last wrote. Life threw me a few whammies, as it tends to do. I'm grateful to have survived it, albeit with a few scars. I am STILL enjoying motherhood. I just hope my kids are enjoying their childhood. The last 5 years have been hectic and I've faced a little more trauma than I was mentally prepared for, so I'm scared to enjoy my life in case it should all go sideways again. 

I have taken to updating the mundane details of my existence on social media though, perhaps hoping that it keeps away the evil eye. I'm sadly, quite disappointed that I should even believe it exists. Most days I don't even give it a thought. But now, I'm just wary, much like Rick Grimes second guessing himself when a new person arrives on the scene and he's deliberating on whether to let them into Alexandria or just kill them. The Walking Dead comparisons aside, we cannot ignore global pandemic that has befallen us, and oddly, catching us unawares. Should we have not been better prepared? As one who is normally over-prepared for minor catastrophes, I'm a tad disappointed that the paranoid types like myself at the CDCs of the world did not do more to alert me to the fact that my life, as well as millions of others, was about to be "inconvenienced". Okay, that annoyance was so last year. This year I'm just grateful to be alive. I've shown full appreciation for it by wasting away my days and most nights on Netflix and chocolate. Have I gained a few pounds? Shockingly, no. Have I become physically weaker? Absolutely, yes. I've been deliberating on whether or not to go back to work (not much in terms of part-time here), but homeschooling pretty much decided that fate for the foreseeable future. I'm trying desperately to catch up on reading again, but my anxieties kick in as soon as I sit down to it, and it takes me forever to finish even an excellent book. I'm currently reading Circe by Madeline Miller.

I just realised I'm rambling on the wrong blog. Okay bye.

Where Silence Deafens

I grew up in a family of shouters. My Dad shouted for everything. And now, I shout at my son, for EVERY little thing. Seeing him cringe in fear is the constant reminder that I've failed as a parent. My husband likes to tell me that it is never too late to change. But...outside of cutting my tongue off, I am truly struggling to change this part about me. The quick bursts of anger and impatience directed towards me were the things I hated most as a child, and now I am repeating the cycle with my children. I am terrified that this attitude of mine will shape their perception of all women.

It's A Boy! (Again!)

This blog is a laugh. Forgive me but I've been too busy being a Mum to actually write about it. This doesn't mean other blogger Mums are jobless. Merely that I am so envious that their kids will have lovely chronicles to read about their childhood that mine won't. 

This post is more of an announcement really. We have been blessed with another baby boy and he is doing well. Looks just like his big brother he does. When I was pregnant, people would say, "I hope it is a girl" and that would make me nervous. The reason why hubster n I decided to not find out the baby's sex was precisely because we'd happily take what ever we got. We couldn't find out our first born's sex in India, and decided to keep it that way for our second born in South Africa. The suspense was nice on most days, and a real killer on some. Knowing would have made clothes shopping more easier. I now have a pile of baby girl clothes (mostly from Mum), whilst many friends gave me gender neutral stuff. Funnily enough, baby only fits into the boy's clothes that my Mum bought. Everything else is still too big.

Every parent would love to have one baby of each sex (minimum) but I figured, same sex babies would probably be closer and relate to each other more. At least that is what I pray for. It makes me anxious when the hubster dilly-dallies over calling his parents. I am pretty sure he is setting the scene for his own boys to follow. May be I won't have a girl to plait hair for or go shopping with. May be I can't make her dance outfits or help plan her wedding. I hope my niece will join me in the girly activities. But with two boys, there is as much fun to be had, if I just rearrange my expectations of my role as a mother. I'm told both boys and girls need the influence of both parents. I know I was very close to my Dad, perhaps more than my Mum, and hubster insists the boys are more likely to open up to me than to him. My biggest fear I suppose is that I'd be nothing more than a glorified cook and servant to them. I have so many dreams for the both of them, but I am constantly telling myself to allow them to dream for themselves. When it was just one baby, we were still getting the hang of parenthood. With two, it feels like life has only just begun. You're more clued in. More focused. I no longer have that anxiety that my first child will be alone should I knock off. Cousins are a great sub but I am relieved just the same that he has a brother to call his own.

More than any thing...I hope that hubster and I can raise them to be good human beings. I pray that I can put aside my own baggage from my past and focus on them, make them feel like they can always count on us both to be there for them. Being a parent is like being plonked into a tiny boat with all the tools you need to survive (but no instruction manual) and then being cast out to sea. It's fun learning as we go. Just praying that I don't cause any permanent scars.

All About You

Dear Bunny Wabbit

This blog was started for you. And since our life revolves entirely around you, this space should have a LOT of stories about your shenanigans. Your are, after all, the Jungle Mama's son. Apologies.

I'd like to make excuses, but there really shouldn't be any. I still Facebook way too much for my liking. I loaded the Fb app back onto my Blackberry, but I only log in when I am stuck in a queue somewhere. Otherwise I keep it logged off and have deactivated the email notifications so I am not disturbed with a PING every time someone replies to a post or likes a photo. Even then, I feel I log in way too much - but there are some awesome articles and posts out there, it's hard to not check in and see if I've missed out on anything. I especially like the inspirations by Writer's Write (Amanda Patterson) who I'd like to credit for the inspiring and motivational messages to keep writing. Most times though, you and I are fighting for the iPad and iPod (you call it oPod :) with Dada. Pinterest too has its hold on me - but I made you a wooly scarf as penance (never mind the million times I yelled at you when you kept yanking at the wool).

You are almost 3 years old now. I cannot believe how time has flown. You really love your animated movies. You started of with Cars and that love story continues even today (I know the fortune Dada spends on the themed toys for you - we got Finn Mcmissile this weekend, to add to Francesco Bernoulli, and the McQueen and Tow Mater duo we still can't find). But since then, you've watched Monsters Inc., Finding Nemo, Cars 2, Rio, Toy Story 1 to 3, and How To Train Your Dragon a million gazillion times. You weren't too thrilled with The Lion King, a bit sad considering we're in Africa :) Buzz Lightyear is your hero and when you first started trying to blast me away with your "death ray", I thought you had some sore on your arm that you were pointing out to me :D You love to shout, "To Infinity and Beyond...!", sometimes quite late into the night, and we have to worry about concerned neighbours knocking on our door.

You still hate to go to bed "on time" (8:30pm). As a result I end up telling you stories and singing songs, and falling into a very deep sleep along with you from sheer exhaustion. Then Dada will walk in around 10pm to wake me up for dinner, which I will reluctantly do because I hate for him to eat alone (and he won't eat without me :) Most days you give us a rough time while getting ready for school, but you have your good days too. You simply LOVE Saturdays. You jump out of bed without having to be coaxed out. I wish we could do more with you that's "outdoorsy" but the few times we've ventured out in cold weather, you've ended up getting a bad cough. We do have fun in the garden though. I love the warmth of the sun on my back as I do the weeding while you quietly dig up all the stuff I've carefully planted. I love seeing you enjoy the mud and running through the spray of water as I water the garden. I cannot wait for summer!

Dada says you have my food tastes - the sweet tooth and the carb fixation. I hope I can also teach you to love the wholesome stuff too, especially homegrown stuff. It's what I saw my mum do growing up and I want the same for you. Sweet stuff and carbs even I get sick of very quickly! You love gadgets and have found your way around the iPad and iPod very quickly. We can only hope for any benefits, as in our time numerous articles were also written about TV addiction, and our generation turned out just fine (I think). Everything in moderation I think, and on a weekday you don't watch more than 1.5 hours of TV. You talk quite well I feel. You are always asking, "Mama what's that?" or "What you doing?" or "Oh oh...I made a mess." You know your school prayer, which was also MY school prayer (the picture is from the same song sheet I sang from, aged 6 to 12, clicked on my visit there):

I am not proud of the times I have shouted like a lunatic or shown my irritation. I am not a perfect human being, nor am I setting you a good example by making excuses for such behaviour. I feel only deep sorrow and regret for this. My impatience will lose me my loved ones and I wish I could unlearn what I experienced growing up. Did I mention how much you love your Appacha (Daddy) and Ammachi? You barely know your Thatha and Paatima, but I hope you will get an opportunity for that, and that you'll learn to speak Tamil and make your Dada proud. You and Daddy seem to be kindred spirits. He will not allow me to scold you in ANY form and spoils you rotten. You are quite a brat in his presence. You refer to Xyza as "my sister". We haven't visited there in quite a while - every weekend something comes up, and the main reason we moved to SA was because we wanted you to be raised amongst your cousins. I still hold hope for that. I want you to have a good relationship with your uncle as your Dada had with his, and I have with my aunts. All I can say to that is, que sera sera.

I promise to write more my darling, but even if I don't, just know that you are in my thoughts ALL the time, and I hope I am doing my best to help you "Reach for the Skies". :) Umma.

Speak Softly Love

Hey Bunny Wabbit

It's been a while since Mama blogged. Yeah I'm going through some "issues" now - none of which have to do with you or your Dada. I've been meaning to put down on paper, SOME WHERE, all the little stuff you say n do.

This post is inspired because Dada is putting you to bed tonight. Not sure if he read you your favourite book ("Where's Tumpty?" by Polly Dunbar) but I can hear him hum the Godfather theme song :o) and that makes me smile. We've been having a tough time putting you to bed these past few weeks. We do the whole, bath-bottle-book and bed "song n dance" - dimming of lights to night light, and me humming some tune or a prayer. But of late, you just climb out of bed and come looking for your Dada. What starts at 7:30pm can drag on till 9:30pm - and last night it even stretched to 10! I thought it was cos it's been rainy of late and you haven't been getting outside play at school. I even asked your teacher to reduce your nap time. But you still climb out of bed for your Dada. And you wanna sleep in his arms as he carries you and walks up n down. 

This post was possible for two reasons:

1. Dada put you to bed - a rare occasion, cherish it.

2. It's not that I don't have the time - but I have never had the inspiration to write...in a long while, like today.

I just want you to know that I cherish a lot of memories about you and us as a family.  It's stored away in the deepest corners of my mind. I hope I get to write them all down. I don't wanna ever forget. I hear you mumbling something - heh heh, and I hope I haven't jinxed it by writing this post :P

I love you munch baby. The world seems more beautiful since you arrived.

Hyde Definition

Some time last month we bumped into the guy who runs a pet holiday home with his Mum. We'd left Hyde with them last December. The following ensues:

Better half: (waving) Hey! How are you? (we couldn't remember his name)
Guy: (waving awkwardly, blinking, confused look) Heyyyy...
Better half: How are you? (again) Remember us...?
Guy: (Squinting - as if that will help him remember) Ummm...
Mummy Me: We're Hyde's parents...? Remember?
Guy: (DING!) HEYYYYYY!!! :D How ARE you guys??? How's Hyde?

Moral of the story:
Good parenting may define who your children become one day. But believe your kids are already good and they will begin to define you.

Silhouette

There are numerous advantages to staying in shape (yes yes, "round" is a shape too). If you look in the mirror and you're not happy with what you see, then it's time to take action. We have to have realistic goals in place - being "thin" or "slim" is not a healthy goal. But to be well with your BMI, and to have good hair and skin that are the result of healthy food habits is. A firm body is just a plus but that's a personal choice.

For 15 years I've been hearing from my Mum (who is, ahem, well-rounded herself) that I should not put on weight as "heaviness" runs in our family (she means big breasts, butt n thighs). Sadly, out of sheer laziness on my part, I ACCEPTED this to mean that I could never take charge of my body as these are family traits and would be with me all the days of my life. So right through my college years I would look forlornly at girls with slim legs at how AWESOME they looked in skirts, leggings and slim jeans, whereas I always had to go for jeans with a boot cut just to compensate for the width of my hips n thighs. Also, GETTING a pair that would fit just right was a nightmare. I always had to go for big sizes to accommodate my thighs and have this huge gaping void at my comparatively smaller waist.

Here's why getting into shape is important to me NOW, more than ever.

1. I'm 30
2. I have aches and pains in various places and that really scares me. The vitality of my youth now lies only in my personality (ha ha) but having it diminish in a physical sense has killed my confidence and makes me quite vulnerable.
3. The back ache I had last week combined with the neck sprain over the weekend was quite a wake up call - I could not carry my baby. I am only getting older and in the years to come, the number of physical activities I will be able to do with my children will greatly depend on how I maintain myself now.
4. I hate having to tuck my tummy into my jeans :D
5. I JUST wanna look good again. No, not hot or sexy, just healthy n wholesome.
6. I am a firm believer that exercise actually increases the endorphins in your body, giving you a more positive outlook on life. I have personally experienced it so I know it's not just some random health tidbit. I need these "happy hormones" more than ever because having a baby can give you as many lows as the highs - in fact, the baby is the only high, everything ELSE: the tireless unappreciated domestic work, lack of social life, the incredible loneliness you feel as you slowly grow apart from your spouse as each of you do your own thing to make a good life for your child - these are some of the lows. As much as you owe it to your child to be healthy, you owe it even more to YOURSELF.

Here's why I am telling the world about it:

I am TERRIFIED I won't live up to this challenge. This goal has been on EVERY New Year's Resolutions for as long as I can remember writing New Year's Resolutions.

The excuses we make and the counter-excuse:

1. I have a baby, twin babies, babies with special needs, a dog, to look after. If something happens to you, like severe back pain, who will look after them?
2. I have no time. Many Mummy blogs will tell you to forget the laundry and dishes and just put your feet up and enjoy that coffee. For the first 3 to 4 months after the baby that's fine. After that you gotta accept that THAT moment RIGHT there, that coffee moment, the random glance at a Cosmo, the 5 minutes you spend for a Facebook update - that TIME might just get you the right pair of jeans.

I'm all out of excuses :D - these are my main ones hee hee. Now my fingers have gotten some awesome exercise. Wish me luck!