Where Silence Deafens

I grew up in a family of shouters. My Dad shouted for everything. And now, I shout at my son, for EVERY little thing. Seeing him cringe in fear is the constant reminder that I've failed as a parent. My husband likes to tell me that it is never too late to change. But...outside of cutting my tongue off, I am truly struggling to change this part about me. The quick bursts of anger and impatience directed towards me were the things I hated most as a child, and now I am repeating the cycle with my children. I am terrified that this attitude of mine will shape their perception of all women.

It's A Boy! (Again!)

This blog is a laugh. Forgive me but I've been too busy being a Mum to actually write about it. This doesn't mean other blogger Mums are jobless. Merely that I am so envious that their kids will have lovely chronicles to read about their childhood that mine won't. 

This post is more of an announcement really. We have been blessed with another baby boy and he is doing well. Looks just like his big brother he does. When I was pregnant, people would say, "I hope it is a girl" and that would make me nervous. The reason why hubster n I decided to not find out the baby's sex was precisely because we'd happily take what ever we got. We couldn't find out our first born's sex in India, and decided to keep it that way for our second born in South Africa. The suspense was nice on most days, and a real killer on some. Knowing would have made clothes shopping more easier. I now have a pile of baby girl clothes (mostly from Mum), whilst many friends gave me gender neutral stuff. Funnily enough, baby only fits into the boy's clothes that my Mum bought. Everything else is still too big.

Every parent would love to have one baby of each sex (minimum) but I figured, same sex babies would probably be closer and relate to each other more. At least that is what I pray for. It makes me anxious when the hubster dilly-dallies over calling his parents. I am pretty sure he is setting the scene for his own boys to follow. May be I won't have a girl to plait hair for or go shopping with. May be I can't make her dance outfits or help plan her wedding. I hope my niece will join me in the girly activities. But with two boys, there is as much fun to be had, if I just rearrange my expectations of my role as a mother. I'm told both boys and girls need the influence of both parents. I know I was very close to my Dad, perhaps more than my Mum, and hubster insists the boys are more likely to open up to me than to him. My biggest fear I suppose is that I'd be nothing more than a glorified cook and servant to them. I have so many dreams for the both of them, but I am constantly telling myself to allow them to dream for themselves. When it was just one baby, we were still getting the hang of parenthood. With two, it feels like life has only just begun. You're more clued in. More focused. I no longer have that anxiety that my first child will be alone should I knock off. Cousins are a great sub but I am relieved just the same that he has a brother to call his own.

More than any thing...I hope that hubster and I can raise them to be good human beings. I pray that I can put aside my own baggage from my past and focus on them, make them feel like they can always count on us both to be there for them. Being a parent is like being plonked into a tiny boat with all the tools you need to survive (but no instruction manual) and then being cast out to sea. It's fun learning as we go. Just praying that I don't cause any permanent scars.