My son makes me want to be a better person. I've said this to many a hundred times since he was born - but with the starting of this new year, new decade (I turn 30 next month) I am genuinely taking SOME effort instead of just talking about it.
The biggest task that lies ahead of me as a mother is, at times, to not forget that I am a wife, a daughter (in-law), a sister (in-law), a friend, an INDIVIDUAL! The reason why I should not forget this is because I can (very easily) completely lose myself in my son - that is not healthy for either of us. I don't feel I overly obsess about him but I am already seeing a repetition of many mistakes my from own past. I have all these dreams of what he should become - and then immediately correct myself by saying I should focus on what HIS dreams are. I need a balanced relationship with everyone in my life, especially my husband, if I want my child to grow up a healthy and happy individual.
I had a love marriage - but it isn't any easier than an arranged one. I love my husband - but I already feel we are moving down different paths in our lives. I do not want to criticize - I do that a LOT and I am good at it. I grew up around criticism and I have inflicted enough on my husband in the short two years of our marriage that he is too scared to take any decision about our lives fearing my wrath. I am a crazy person. I need to talk things out constantly to know that we are on the same page. My husband avoids ALL serious talk. He would rather assume we are on the same page than talk about it and risk a fight. He HATES arguments - because he never wins. I have the gift of the gab m told - but really, it's more of a curse. I don't know when to stop. I say too much. Then I become psycho and say things I don't even mean or deeply regret. But I have also heard, if you didn't truly MEAN something, you wouldn't SAY it - and this scares me even more. I am carrying so much baggage from my past and I feel as though I might inflict this torture on my own child if I do not see a therapist soon and get some help.
On a more positive note: the mere fact that I can FINALLY share this on my blog is a good sign that I am on my way to sort out my issues. I must have written similar posts a hundred times but never got around to publishing it because I always felt my personal issues should remain what it is - PERSONAL. But getting a glimpse of my weaknesses only to hide them away again has done NOTHING for me so far. I have extremely high (sometimes unrealistic) expectations of my loved ones - but rather than lowering them, I choose to adjust them according to what is and isn't important, and according to how MUCH I can give back to others by meeting their expectations of ME.
I can't say I'm taking ALL this effort for my baby. I am doing this for myself. I should have done it a LONG time ago. It's just that now I have to calculate what I might risk losing. I don't want my baby to be a casualty of war. There are so many other battles I have to fight without fighting those who are already on my side.
The biggest task that lies ahead of me as a mother is, at times, to not forget that I am a wife, a daughter (in-law), a sister (in-law), a friend, an INDIVIDUAL! The reason why I should not forget this is because I can (very easily) completely lose myself in my son - that is not healthy for either of us. I don't feel I overly obsess about him but I am already seeing a repetition of many mistakes my from own past. I have all these dreams of what he should become - and then immediately correct myself by saying I should focus on what HIS dreams are. I need a balanced relationship with everyone in my life, especially my husband, if I want my child to grow up a healthy and happy individual.
I had a love marriage - but it isn't any easier than an arranged one. I love my husband - but I already feel we are moving down different paths in our lives. I do not want to criticize - I do that a LOT and I am good at it. I grew up around criticism and I have inflicted enough on my husband in the short two years of our marriage that he is too scared to take any decision about our lives fearing my wrath. I am a crazy person. I need to talk things out constantly to know that we are on the same page. My husband avoids ALL serious talk. He would rather assume we are on the same page than talk about it and risk a fight. He HATES arguments - because he never wins. I have the gift of the gab m told - but really, it's more of a curse. I don't know when to stop. I say too much. Then I become psycho and say things I don't even mean or deeply regret. But I have also heard, if you didn't truly MEAN something, you wouldn't SAY it - and this scares me even more. I am carrying so much baggage from my past and I feel as though I might inflict this torture on my own child if I do not see a therapist soon and get some help.
On a more positive note: the mere fact that I can FINALLY share this on my blog is a good sign that I am on my way to sort out my issues. I must have written similar posts a hundred times but never got around to publishing it because I always felt my personal issues should remain what it is - PERSONAL. But getting a glimpse of my weaknesses only to hide them away again has done NOTHING for me so far. I have extremely high (sometimes unrealistic) expectations of my loved ones - but rather than lowering them, I choose to adjust them according to what is and isn't important, and according to how MUCH I can give back to others by meeting their expectations of ME.
I can't say I'm taking ALL this effort for my baby. I am doing this for myself. I should have done it a LONG time ago. It's just that now I have to calculate what I might risk losing. I don't want my baby to be a casualty of war. There are so many other battles I have to fight without fighting those who are already on my side.
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